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Xander - The Fabulous Freak of Nature

The Complete First Season

6/20/05 08:04 pm - THIS IS NOW FRIENDS ONLY!

Well, if you would like to read about my very interesting life then you must add me as a friend and of course I must accept you as a friend. I haven't turned down anyone...give me a shot!

Blessed be,
Xander

4/24/05 05:27 pm - Random Thoughts

A few minutes ago I grabbed my cigarettes, Marlboro Menthol 100s, and headed outside for a walk. I received some unnerving news today. News that has hurt me. I found out from a source that will remain anynymous that Josh, my ex-fiance, is now in a relationship. Now I am over Josh, but hearing that he's in a relationship and happy hurts me, because here I am all alone.

I feel like I am walking alone and no one seems to care about me. I feel like this river I cross to get to happiness it getting deep and I'm about to drown. Not to sound so cliche but when will my White Knight in Shinning Armor make his appearance?

Xander

4/24/05 03:57 pm - Thought I Would Share this With All of You!

This is a picture of my friend Kris and his boyfriend Grame. Kris is on the far right. Looking at this picture touched me because it showed me how much they love each other and that great relationship actually does exist. It makes me believe that one day I can find that kind of love.



Xander

4/24/05 03:57 am - AT THE BEACH...

The beach was fun!

Andy and I got off work around 10:00ish and headed to his house, grabbed his stuff, headed over to his parents house and grabbed more stuff. We then headed to Wal-Mart and spent $85 on beach shit. Headed over to McFadden beach. We couldn't set up the tent because it needed poles and apparently the poles have been lost or something. So we couldn't sleep so we decided to begin our first Wiccan ritual.

I was afraid to put on here that I was getting into Wicca. I didn't want any of you to think I was evil or some shit. I thought I would explain the Wiccan Religion to those of you who are opposed to it:

(Although the words "Wicca" and "Wiccan" are relatively well defined at this time, such terms as Satanism, Paganism and Witchcraft have many meanings. Confusion over the definitions of religious terms is quite common. Even the term "Christian" is defined differently by various groups. The sentence: "Ann was raised a Roman Catholic but became a Christian later in life" might be quite understandable to an Evangelical Christian, but wholly confusing and probably quite insulting and distressing to a Catholic.

Some people sincerely believe that over 75% of the human race (including Wiccans) are followers of Satanism. Others, including Satanists, Wiccans, religious historians, many theologians, those mainline and liberal Christians and individuals who are knowledgeable about minority religions, etc., consider Wicca and Satanism to be two unrelated groups of religious traditions. They share few points of similarity. In fact, many of their beliefs and practices are diametrically opposed to each other.

There is no right or wrong definition in these cases. Groups simply assign very different meanings to the same English words. The sentence: "Wicca is a type of Satanism" is neither right or wrong. Debate is useless. It is a true statement to one group and false to another.)

It is a very interesting religion. If you would like to know more (and no I am not enticing anyone to join) you can find more information at http://www.religioustolerance.org/witchcra.htm.

Thanks for letting me ramble!

Xander

4/22/05 07:53 pm - YAY!!!

Today was a great day!

I was sitting at my desk taking phone calls when my friend Pheonix, who is now a coach, came up to me and said, "Xander, we need to talk." I was scared, I thought I was in trouble. I put my customer on hold and walked to the corner with Pheonix, hoping whatever punishment I deserve for whatever the hell I did didn't involve a Dunce hat.

She then informed me if I was interested in a raise and a promotion. I said, "Does the pope shit in the woods!?" and she said, "...not anymore..." (bad Catholic reference, please don't take offense to that *gulp*). So I got a raise and a promotion! I will be working on the DSP Queue, which means I still take phone calls but only for Onsite Technicians instead of the customers who don't know what the hell they are doing.

Go me!

Xander

P.S. Headed out to the beach!

4/22/05 04:22 am - HEADING 2 THE BEACH!!

Tomorrow after work Andy and I are heading to McFaddin beach. We are going to spend the night in a tent that my family has owned since 1998 but has only been used once. Anyways, we are going to perform our first Wiccan ritual. No that does not mean getting naked in front of a fire. We are going to call upon the four elements and bring forth the spirits. Now I know most of you probably think that Wicca is stupid or that it's evil, but take it from me, its not. Andy and I have both experienced the supernatural like no other and we are both very exited about doing our first spells and rituals tomorrow night. Of course we need two more to close the Wiccan gap. Anyways, it is 4:24 a.m. and I am tired as hell.

Xander

P.S. Tomorrow I might tell Andy I am gay, wish me luck!

4/20/05 01:04 am - Life is a Dream...

How do you tell your best friend that your gay?

It's a question that I have been asking myself for days now. Andy and I have been friends for over a year and as of lately we have been getting closer. No, Andy is not gay and not close in that way. Close as very good friends. Andy has told me some things that I know he would only tell to the person that he trusts. I won't repeat these secrets he has told me and I wouldn't expect anyone to want me to. You see I have been slowly integrating talks of gays and gay rights around him and he seems to agree with it all. In fact one of our friends named Caleb, whom he and I used to play Dungeons & Dragons with actually came out to him.

I wan't to. I just don't know how to approach the subject. Andy does know that I was engaged, of course I doubt that he knew it was a guy. Never had I ever said it was a girl, I always the used the term "that person" or "them". Mostly to hide the fact that I'm gay until I am ready, but a little for the fact I hate to even think of the name Josh.

I could really use some help on how to tell my best friend Andy about my sexualiy without him thinking that my hanging out with him so much is not flirtation. It's very hard coming out, more so to the ones you really care about.

Xander

4/17/05 02:43 pm - Son of a Beach!

Andy and I went to Sea Rim Beach yesterday and swam our hearts out. I got drunk and sunburned. We had a lot of fun and plan on going back to the beach next week. I hate the Gulf of Mexico though its so goddamn nasty!

Also got some interesting news yesterday. I forgot to mention that I am going to be in a play in Houston and the news I found out is that my co-star might be Candace Cameron. You all might remember her as D.J. on Full House. Not too famous but it deserves a yay anyway! Will update soon, now me go back to beach!

Xander

4/15/05 03:53 am - To Date or not to Date...That is the Quest-ion...

Been thinking a lot today...

Since Clay and I broke up I feel alone again and well being alone sucks. I've been thinking about dating again and whether it is a good idea. I mean if I was going to date again it wouldn't be anytime soon. Should I wait for a while? Months, years? It's hard but these thoughts fly through my head all day long and I can't get them out.

Clay has been calling me a lot lately. Something is wrong but he's not letting me into his secret. Then again I never let him into mine, but my secret will only be revealed to the one I will spend the rest of my life with.

This prayer has helped me in the past few days to rid these thoughts of selt loathing:

"I call out to you spirit of the North
Take this pain from my soul and release it out into the emptiness of hell
I kneel to you spirit of the South
Heed my prayer and take my worries and release them into the void of hell
I bow to you spirit of the East
Listen to my cries and release this feeling of dread over me into the hole of hell
I sing to you spirit of the West
Release my fear that clouds my vision into the realm of hell"

Also I hung this quote from my favorite Alanis Morissette song above my computer at work:
"I'm sorry for loosing myself...I am..."

If you're wondering about the prayer above it's a simple Wiccan spell. Yes I have delved into the religion that is Wiccan. I wear the exact same clothes as usual; tight shirts, vintage blue jeans, etc. Except now I wear a silver necklace with a pentegram hanging down. It frightened my friend Jon Williams, he thought I was a Satanist. I looked at him and said, "Hollywood, God bless it, has taken the image of the pentegram and turned it into a symbol of evil, when in fact it is a symbol of protection." He asked me protection from what and I replied, "From whatever harms us."

I am proud to be a Gay Wiccan...of course this Wiccan fad may not last long...but hey somethings are working...

Xander

4/12/05 06:30 pm - ...alone...

I have been a bit depressed lately. Ever since Clay and I broke up I feel an empty void. I mean I wanted to break up with him, but now I...miss him. Do you think me wicked? He did treat me a little bad, he did get angry a lot when he was drunk, but is it odd to miss him?

Brittany called last night, well the caller ID on my phone said Brittany, but it was actually Jennifer. She asked if I was doing okay and that her and Brittany missed me. I miss them too and if I had a car I would drive over there all the time. They said they have found the perfect guy for me, but I didn't know Brad Pitt lived here...A soft joke to cheer me up...it's not working.

I need some cheering up. That moment of happiness where everything else falls to shit, but that one thing that makes you happy pops up...I need that, if that makes any sense. I had a dream of Clay last night, of course he and I were both abducted by aliens in it, but at least I dreamed of him and if he had the same dream, I'm pretty sure we were abducted by aliens. Perhaps they are interested in gay relationships? Perhaps, or perhaps I am just so down lately that no matter how silly the dream is, at least its a dream where I felt loved...lately I have been feeling unwanted and unloved, as if I am forgotten. This too shall pass like all my relationships. Thrown in the dustpan with the other feelings of sorrow. I can't help but think...will I be alone forever? Dating after dating, never really finding the right one? An endless cycle of one night stands and "what-could-have-been's".

I have never felt so pathetic and unwanted, but hey...it's great to grieve...

Xander
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