xandersillusion (xandersillusion) wrote,

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I have been a bit depressed lately. Ever since Clay and I broke up I feel an empty void. I mean I wanted to break up with him, but now I...miss him. Do you think me wicked? He did treat me a little bad, he did get angry a lot when he was drunk, but is it odd to miss him?

Brittany called last night, well the caller ID on my phone said Brittany, but it was actually Jennifer. She asked if I was doing okay and that her and Brittany missed me. I miss them too and if I had a car I would drive over there all the time. They said they have found the perfect guy for me, but I didn't know Brad Pitt lived here...A soft joke to cheer me up...it's not working.

I need some cheering up. That moment of happiness where everything else falls to shit, but that one thing that makes you happy pops up...I need that, if that makes any sense. I had a dream of Clay last night, of course he and I were both abducted by aliens in it, but at least I dreamed of him and if he had the same dream, I'm pretty sure we were abducted by aliens. Perhaps they are interested in gay relationships? Perhaps, or perhaps I am just so down lately that no matter how silly the dream is, at least its a dream where I felt loved...lately I have been feeling unwanted and unloved, as if I am forgotten. This too shall pass like all my relationships. Thrown in the dustpan with the other feelings of sorrow. I can't help but think...will I be alone forever? Dating after dating, never really finding the right one? An endless cycle of one night stands and "what-could-have-been's".

I have never felt so pathetic and unwanted, but hey...it's great to grieve...

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