xandersillusion (xandersillusion) wrote,

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To Date or not to Date...That is the Quest-ion...

Been thinking a lot today...

Since Clay and I broke up I feel alone again and well being alone sucks. I've been thinking about dating again and whether it is a good idea. I mean if I was going to date again it wouldn't be anytime soon. Should I wait for a while? Months, years? It's hard but these thoughts fly through my head all day long and I can't get them out.

Clay has been calling me a lot lately. Something is wrong but he's not letting me into his secret. Then again I never let him into mine, but my secret will only be revealed to the one I will spend the rest of my life with.

This prayer has helped me in the past few days to rid these thoughts of selt loathing:

"I call out to you spirit of the North
Take this pain from my soul and release it out into the emptiness of hell
I kneel to you spirit of the South
Heed my prayer and take my worries and release them into the void of hell
I bow to you spirit of the East
Listen to my cries and release this feeling of dread over me into the hole of hell
I sing to you spirit of the West
Release my fear that clouds my vision into the realm of hell"

Also I hung this quote from my favorite Alanis Morissette song above my computer at work:
"I'm sorry for loosing myself...I am..."

If you're wondering about the prayer above it's a simple Wiccan spell. Yes I have delved into the religion that is Wiccan. I wear the exact same clothes as usual; tight shirts, vintage blue jeans, etc. Except now I wear a silver necklace with a pentegram hanging down. It frightened my friend Jon Williams, he thought I was a Satanist. I looked at him and said, "Hollywood, God bless it, has taken the image of the pentegram and turned it into a symbol of evil, when in fact it is a symbol of protection." He asked me protection from what and I replied, "From whatever harms us."

I am proud to be a Gay Wiccan...of course this Wiccan fad may not last long...but hey somethings are working...

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